Seriously?

Last night I felt pretty normal. I was able to eat a regular meal for dinner which felt great. I was sure that things would be fine from now on. The next morning I woke at 6am-ish feeling absolutely horrible. Probably the worst I'd felt in the morning yet. I tried going back to sleep, but every time I managed it I'd have dreams like you get when you have a bad flu. I finally crawled out of bed because it felt worse to stay in it. All morning I felt so awful that I couldn't even begin to think optimistically. Around noon it finally wore off and I was able to eat a bit for lunch.

I have no clue what this is. Its odd to me that sleeping would seem to make it worse but that's what its like every day. I'm scared to death that I've actually found myself in a state of depression. Its something I've always given a glare to, not really believing people couldn't just suck it up and move on. This morning though, I could really see how people could feel that way, hopefully its just because I felt so awful.

This year has been generally a bad one for my family and myself. Aside from one month in the summer I've felt like my life has been going nowhere. The adventure of Japan a year ago and the busy busy life of a graduating college student have long since faded away into deep memory. It doesn't help that my truly happy memories of this year, the month I was in a relationship, seem to depress me if I think about it since that relationship is long gone now.

There's a clock downstairs that is broken. It sits on 7:13 every day, every minute. I looked at that clock today and thought I had a lot in common with it. This is me, frozen in time, watching the world spin by. If it was a matter of working toward my goals I could go out and do that. Unfortunately right now its a matter of waiting for my class date. I never wanted to spend the holidays here, its not my thing. Plus having no money I'm not inclined to be around for Christmas anyway. Mostly I just want to move on as quickly as possible. Memories, both good and bad, seem to dominate my idle thoughts these days, making me wish I could occupy myself otherwise. I think mostly though, these past few months have reminded me of my tendencies to screw things up because of my insecurities. Frustration at myself, and the way the world works despite what I want, that's the problem here. I'm so afraid my behavior won't be forgiven, that all the positive things that were said have since been retracted. I just wanted to be a good memory.

Here's hoping things go smoother in my new life in Washington.