We won't talk about Thanksgiving, just that it went about like I expected.
Went running last night, hurt like hell. Its been weeks since the last time I ran, and it was very noticeable. My left knee ended up hurting all night and still does today, I was told this is probably tendinitis, and would explain the monthly pains I get in my knees.
Also last night I got a call from my cousin Alyssa, apparently a bunch of high school friends were getting together and I was invited. We ended up at Alyssa and Jon's house and pretty much spent the whole night there, playing games and having a good time. It's been so long since I laughed so hard and so much. It felt really good to finally have that much fun and reattach with people. Especially those who I haven't seen in almost a year, like Ruth and Ami. Met Ruth's fiance too, yet another friend who's going to be married. I think this leaves Derek, Ami, and myself as unmarried/unengaged, although I'm sure Ami will be engaged soon too. Still, lots of fun, and I really needed that. I just wish such occasions could be had more often, I hope like hell I can make new friends like these in Spokane. After lots of pictures everyone started to trickle home, I think I made it home a little after 1:00am, dead tired.
That's pretty much all that happened this week, next week I'll start the hoping for class date calls. Not being here for birthday or Christmas would be completely awesome, although either December class date would mean missing out on another get together of friends. At this point getting my life going again is more important then even friends. I'll never get out of this day by day funk that I've been in if I don't get my life back on track.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
My Future, Another's Future
So after running around the couple ATC message boards and calling back OKC I was able to get a slightly better picture of where I am. First of all, lots of people are getting last minute calls. Apparently entire classes even. I don't know if its just CTI people or what, or even if its still happening. But it is fairly normal to get 6 days notice, too bad I didn't know that last week. Secondly, I'm still in the list for last minute consideration. I'm not sure how far down said list I am, and other variable come into play as well, such as, classes aren't necessarily assigned based on who's next on the list but rather who heading where. That is to say, they'd bunch me up with other people going to Spokane or maybe just Washington in general. That leaves the possibility that I really boned myself on the November 25th class date if they don't send another group of people to Washington anytime soon. I'm not entirely sure how this all works though so I'll hope for the best. Finally, I did manage to dig up a schedule of classes at OKC, and specifically the class I'll be taking out there. I printed off the class dates starting from November 25th out till the end of March. It looks like they're running two sets of two classes a month. The next class will start December 15th, and after that December 23rd. Those seem awfully close together though, I thought they usually put a couple weeks between. Anyway, I have this handy list so as the dates trickle by and I don't get called I can just cross them off, cuz that'll just make me feel totally awesome...
Looks like nobody is going to be able to hang out around the Thanksgiving holiday, although some will be available after. Sucks but I understand people have their own lives and no one is nearly as open scheduled as I am. This will be my first Thanksgiving in 6 years at home, not terribly looking forward to it, family is already fighting over it. Hopefully people will want to hang out during the holidays or I'll get sent out to OKC before then.
A high school girl from Florida sent me a message on Facebook. She had been accepted to Embry-Riddle and really wanted to go but needed some grants and scholarships to help out, which is understandable, its an expensive school. She asked me to endorse her using the Alumni Endorsement Grant. Now, I'd never heard of this before, and to be honest I was pretty damn suspicious. But I did look up the grant and all it requires is for me to provide some info and my signature. The info given isn't terribly revealing (IE no social security numbers) and the girl's Facebook profile is real. I'm really just not very trusting of anyone but I agreed to help her out and endorse her. Its not like it costs me anything, and will get her $4k toward tuition over her 4 years. Honestly I wish I had known about this 5 years ago, would have been helpful.
Finally...hmm...this past weekend was really rough. Its been a long time since I've been so furious with myself, or felt the need to actually punch something to relieve that, but that was me when I saw the class dates out to April. I totally messed up, plain and simple. Perhaps I can take some happiness out of the fact that this was the first time in the hiring process where it was my own fault for the setback, but that fact that its potentially the largest setback so far makes sure I get no positive thoughts from it. So, feeling pretty damn shitty. However...somebody who I thought didn't think much of me sent me a message of support. Maybe she didn't think much of it but it really helped, it had the right timing, and knowing someone cares makes the difference.
So the coming weeks should be filled with excitement, disappointment, and trying not to kill my family. Honestly I can not wait until my life is the tedium of day by day work boredom, and to live somewhere where I can take a mini adventure whenever I have a day off.
How do I write so much in these rants but I can't even get 500 more words into my stories? Honestly...
Looks like nobody is going to be able to hang out around the Thanksgiving holiday, although some will be available after. Sucks but I understand people have their own lives and no one is nearly as open scheduled as I am. This will be my first Thanksgiving in 6 years at home, not terribly looking forward to it, family is already fighting over it. Hopefully people will want to hang out during the holidays or I'll get sent out to OKC before then.
A high school girl from Florida sent me a message on Facebook. She had been accepted to Embry-Riddle and really wanted to go but needed some grants and scholarships to help out, which is understandable, its an expensive school. She asked me to endorse her using the Alumni Endorsement Grant. Now, I'd never heard of this before, and to be honest I was pretty damn suspicious. But I did look up the grant and all it requires is for me to provide some info and my signature. The info given isn't terribly revealing (IE no social security numbers) and the girl's Facebook profile is real. I'm really just not very trusting of anyone but I agreed to help her out and endorse her. Its not like it costs me anything, and will get her $4k toward tuition over her 4 years. Honestly I wish I had known about this 5 years ago, would have been helpful.
Finally...hmm...this past weekend was really rough. Its been a long time since I've been so furious with myself, or felt the need to actually punch something to relieve that, but that was me when I saw the class dates out to April. I totally messed up, plain and simple. Perhaps I can take some happiness out of the fact that this was the first time in the hiring process where it was my own fault for the setback, but that fact that its potentially the largest setback so far makes sure I get no positive thoughts from it. So, feeling pretty damn shitty. However...somebody who I thought didn't think much of me sent me a message of support. Maybe she didn't think much of it but it really helped, it had the right timing, and knowing someone cares makes the difference.
So the coming weeks should be filled with excitement, disappointment, and trying not to kill my family. Honestly I can not wait until my life is the tedium of day by day work boredom, and to live somewhere where I can take a mini adventure whenever I have a day off.
How do I write so much in these rants but I can't even get 500 more words into my stories? Honestly...
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Dammit
I just read on stuckmic.com that training dates are at this moment out to March/April. I'm such an idiot. I had a perfect opportunity to go to the academy and I let it go. 4 or 5 months! I can't do that, I can't take this any more.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Existence
"The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person"
-Putnam
It was an odd feeling that came over me today. It wasn't until later at night that I was able to put a descriptor to it. Apparently I'd begun to realize that my own existence seems, at least to myself, to be precariously dim. I think its the side effect of the last month or so of attempts to rekindle old friendships and to start new ones. Attempts that have fallen far short of any real success. Sure I was able to meet up with old friends and talk with them for a bit, but in the end that was that. My days are still spent to myself, my weekends still a sluggish bore.
There's a definite lack of want in regards to finding new friends. I've more or less asked two different girls now if they'd like to hang out. These were two girls I'd met through Facebook, sadly enough that's my apparent hunting ground as it were. Both agreed but never came through, not surprising at all. But then whats the point? I'll be gone eventually anyway, no point in making new contacts is there? That doesn't really help my loneliness though.
Yesterday I nearly was about to leave Indiana in less than a week's time, but I faltered, I was weak. The sudden opportunity to get my life going again came so violently that I stepped back and took the coward's path. Next week I'm going to try to get my truck in for servicing, and I'm going to start going through my possessions, so if such a call comes again I can defiantly take back my life.
Was this year a waste? Not really. But the useful parts of said year could probably have been shortened up to 3 months or less. I honestly didn't want to spend the holidays here, its really not my thing. I'm not a family person, I don't understand the love that other people have for their families. Such emotions are completely absent, family get togethers merely stress me out and piss me off. Probably the reason I had no qualms going to school in Florida, or moving to Washington.
Hopefully I'll be able to spend time with some friends on this coming Thanksgiving break period, and perhaps more around Christmas. Maybe that will keep me and my feelings of existence in the proper mindset. It certainly couldn't hurt.
-Putnam
It was an odd feeling that came over me today. It wasn't until later at night that I was able to put a descriptor to it. Apparently I'd begun to realize that my own existence seems, at least to myself, to be precariously dim. I think its the side effect of the last month or so of attempts to rekindle old friendships and to start new ones. Attempts that have fallen far short of any real success. Sure I was able to meet up with old friends and talk with them for a bit, but in the end that was that. My days are still spent to myself, my weekends still a sluggish bore.
There's a definite lack of want in regards to finding new friends. I've more or less asked two different girls now if they'd like to hang out. These were two girls I'd met through Facebook, sadly enough that's my apparent hunting ground as it were. Both agreed but never came through, not surprising at all. But then whats the point? I'll be gone eventually anyway, no point in making new contacts is there? That doesn't really help my loneliness though.
Yesterday I nearly was about to leave Indiana in less than a week's time, but I faltered, I was weak. The sudden opportunity to get my life going again came so violently that I stepped back and took the coward's path. Next week I'm going to try to get my truck in for servicing, and I'm going to start going through my possessions, so if such a call comes again I can defiantly take back my life.
Was this year a waste? Not really. But the useful parts of said year could probably have been shortened up to 3 months or less. I honestly didn't want to spend the holidays here, its really not my thing. I'm not a family person, I don't understand the love that other people have for their families. Such emotions are completely absent, family get togethers merely stress me out and piss me off. Probably the reason I had no qualms going to school in Florida, or moving to Washington.
Hopefully I'll be able to spend time with some friends on this coming Thanksgiving break period, and perhaps more around Christmas. Maybe that will keep me and my feelings of existence in the proper mindset. It certainly couldn't hurt.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Offer
This morning the FAA called me. They don't have my medical clearance yet but they offered me a class date of November 25th, as in 6 days from now. I had to decide right then and there and I turned it down. I'm already regretting it.
EDIT: Talked to dad some more, and he convinced me it was better to let it go. While it may have been possible to rush everything, he felt it was better to wait for a better opportunity and stick around for the holidays.
EDIT: Talked to dad some more, and he convinced me it was better to let it go. While it may have been possible to rush everything, he felt it was better to wait for a better opportunity and stick around for the holidays.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Ships Passing in the Night
Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
...Thank you Henry.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
...Thank you Henry.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Whew
Thank goodness for friends. Even if they don't know something is wrong they can still cheer me up by just being my friends. Awesome. Now if only I could get to see more of them in person.
Couple things:
I hate when I do a crappy job of shaving, grr.
Indoor strength training makes running look much more fun. Ow.
DIET V8 Splash is the most disgusting liquid that has ever entered my mouth. Seriously? People drink this? Awful.
The fight for my medical clearance continues, I think. Tried Chicago again but got another voice mail, I'll have to look up that person's specific number so I quit bugging other phone answery people. Shot an e-mail to OKC telling them what I was doing and to let me know if there was anything else I should be concerned about.
Found out another one of my college friends is living in Seattle now. He's bemoaning the weather thus far, which I'll take as a fair warning. He also said he thought Spokane was a good place, and I'm more inclined to identify with him since we're sort of the same outdoorsy not dance clubby types. So, re-excited about Spokane.
Way too many y ending words up there...
Couple things:
I hate when I do a crappy job of shaving, grr.
Indoor strength training makes running look much more fun. Ow.
DIET V8 Splash is the most disgusting liquid that has ever entered my mouth. Seriously? People drink this? Awful.
The fight for my medical clearance continues, I think. Tried Chicago again but got another voice mail, I'll have to look up that person's specific number so I quit bugging other phone answery people. Shot an e-mail to OKC telling them what I was doing and to let me know if there was anything else I should be concerned about.
Found out another one of my college friends is living in Seattle now. He's bemoaning the weather thus far, which I'll take as a fair warning. He also said he thought Spokane was a good place, and I'm more inclined to identify with him since we're sort of the same outdoorsy not dance clubby types. So, re-excited about Spokane.
Way too many y ending words up there...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
FUCK
And as if to prove my point, I call Oklahoma today and find out I'm not even on the list of candidates for an academy date because they don't have my medical. The fucking medical I completed over a month ago. Called the doc who took care of me and he told me he sent it to Chicago. Called Chicago and got sent to yet another fucking answering machine. I left a message practically pleading for them to find my shit and get it taken care of. This is unbeleivable. A month of zero progress because of more lost paperwork I didn't even know about. Getting hit by a train would have been more fun than this past year.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Letting it Out
How fair is it that people who desperately want to fall in love and feel the comfort of another are the ones who are left out alone in the cold to suffer, while those who treat it like its nothing, and don't realise how important it can be to someone, find it so easily?
Maybe I just wish more people could feel what I've felt. A loneliness that I've always despised that has spanned years. It's the one thing in life I can't fight my way through, I can't buckle up and tackle it like a problem. I spent my whole life trying to fight this, to the point I didn't want to fight it anymore.
This is stupid, everything about it. But I can't control that being alone hurts, and whats the point of trying anymore? I always thought if I was going to be with someone for a long time they'd just appear in my life. Maybe that's what I thought happened this year, boy was I wrong. Instead I got someone who followed along even though they didn't seem to want to be there at all. Don't steal my heart if you didn't want it. That's beyond unfair, its cruel.
It was better when I didn't know it felt so great to be happy. When the memory only seems to hurt, I guess its natural to wish you could forget.
Tonight I'm just angry. I've been angry for a long time, but tonight I'm letting it out. I'm angry at her. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at this whole goddamn world. Why the fuck can't things ever go the way I want them to? I'm already living a life I didn't really want, but even then I can't get on with it. I don't believe in destiny, but sometimes it feels like I'm fated to never get what I want. I settled for second best in my path in life, maybe I'll have to settle for nothing at all in love.
I'm well aware of how idiotic I am to be talking about a relationship that ended 3 months ago. Trust me when I say I want to get over this as much as possible, its unfair to both of us, but unfortunately I'm the type that lets his emotions get the better of him, especially in these times. I'm sure she's found someone else by now, it wouldn't be too hard for her, any guy would be lucky to have a girl like her. I wish I could do the same, I feel like that would truly help my emotions, but the thought of dating someone here knowing full well it wouldn't last for very long...I don't know. I always thought what I wanted was a long term relationship, something that could develop into a lifetime commitment, or at least let me get my fill of relationships. Anymore though...I don't know what I want now. Source of my anger? Possibly, I don't like not knowing what I'm doing, my insecurities take root that way, more than they usually do. I feel like my life for months now has been governed by my insecurities.
A year ago I had so much confidence, I felt like I'd discovered a whole new me. I did change quite a bit too, the entire adventure in Japan, buckling down and becoming a studious student my last semester, while balancing a job at the same time. And to think back then I didn't even give much thought at all to relationships or girls in general. But I'll be 24 this year. All my friends are pretty much married or soon to be, not that I really want to be married. But its a wake up call, has been for a while now. Took me 23 years before my first real relationship, I feel like I'm playing a game of catchup and I'm about 200 miles in last place. Combined with the embarrassment of my career or lack thereof, confidence is none existent.
So what the hell does any of this have to do with anything? I don't know. I'm fucked up, that's probably the summation of it all. I'm less messed up then a lot of people out there, but when it comes to relationships I'm the world's biggest screw up. I can blame the government for being slow and shitty about hiring me, but the way I feel now aside from the career shit, that's all me. If I knew how to magically fix it I would. There's no easy fix for this. My best hope is that once I start working I can let my mind focus on more important matters. But until then I'm trapped in place, and it hurts like hell.
Hopefully that's vented most of what has been eating me for the last couple months. There's more, but I'm tired and I know this is stupid to begin with.
Maybe I just wish more people could feel what I've felt. A loneliness that I've always despised that has spanned years. It's the one thing in life I can't fight my way through, I can't buckle up and tackle it like a problem. I spent my whole life trying to fight this, to the point I didn't want to fight it anymore.
This is stupid, everything about it. But I can't control that being alone hurts, and whats the point of trying anymore? I always thought if I was going to be with someone for a long time they'd just appear in my life. Maybe that's what I thought happened this year, boy was I wrong. Instead I got someone who followed along even though they didn't seem to want to be there at all. Don't steal my heart if you didn't want it. That's beyond unfair, its cruel.
It was better when I didn't know it felt so great to be happy. When the memory only seems to hurt, I guess its natural to wish you could forget.
Tonight I'm just angry. I've been angry for a long time, but tonight I'm letting it out. I'm angry at her. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at this whole goddamn world. Why the fuck can't things ever go the way I want them to? I'm already living a life I didn't really want, but even then I can't get on with it. I don't believe in destiny, but sometimes it feels like I'm fated to never get what I want. I settled for second best in my path in life, maybe I'll have to settle for nothing at all in love.
I'm well aware of how idiotic I am to be talking about a relationship that ended 3 months ago. Trust me when I say I want to get over this as much as possible, its unfair to both of us, but unfortunately I'm the type that lets his emotions get the better of him, especially in these times. I'm sure she's found someone else by now, it wouldn't be too hard for her, any guy would be lucky to have a girl like her. I wish I could do the same, I feel like that would truly help my emotions, but the thought of dating someone here knowing full well it wouldn't last for very long...I don't know. I always thought what I wanted was a long term relationship, something that could develop into a lifetime commitment, or at least let me get my fill of relationships. Anymore though...I don't know what I want now. Source of my anger? Possibly, I don't like not knowing what I'm doing, my insecurities take root that way, more than they usually do. I feel like my life for months now has been governed by my insecurities.
A year ago I had so much confidence, I felt like I'd discovered a whole new me. I did change quite a bit too, the entire adventure in Japan, buckling down and becoming a studious student my last semester, while balancing a job at the same time. And to think back then I didn't even give much thought at all to relationships or girls in general. But I'll be 24 this year. All my friends are pretty much married or soon to be, not that I really want to be married. But its a wake up call, has been for a while now. Took me 23 years before my first real relationship, I feel like I'm playing a game of catchup and I'm about 200 miles in last place. Combined with the embarrassment of my career or lack thereof, confidence is none existent.
So what the hell does any of this have to do with anything? I don't know. I'm fucked up, that's probably the summation of it all. I'm less messed up then a lot of people out there, but when it comes to relationships I'm the world's biggest screw up. I can blame the government for being slow and shitty about hiring me, but the way I feel now aside from the career shit, that's all me. If I knew how to magically fix it I would. There's no easy fix for this. My best hope is that once I start working I can let my mind focus on more important matters. But until then I'm trapped in place, and it hurts like hell.
Hopefully that's vented most of what has been eating me for the last couple months. There's more, but I'm tired and I know this is stupid to begin with.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Winter Begins
This weather is killing my running routine. Never mind that its so damn cold out, but now with sleet and rain I haven't run in the last two days. Combined with typical cold weather over eating I'm sure to lose all my hard work at this rate. I'll have to find some solution till I can get access to an indoor gym.
Not happy with the outcome of the election. Disappointed in a country that can't get their facts straight and make our greatest national triumph look like fucking American Idol.
Still waiting on an academy date, just like everyone else. At this point I'm just hoping for something early next year. A friend of mine who is an airline pilot is going to be furloughed in January, so today he was asking me about applying to the FAA to be a controller. Pretty sure I sent him in the right direction after we both couldn't find the proper online application. Things have really changed since I applied so long ago.
I met up with my cousin Alyssa and her husband Jon at Panera Bread today. Its been a good 10 or so months since I last saw her, probably haven't seen Jon for even longer, probably since their wedding. We had a good 2 1/2 hour conversation catching up on lives. We agreed that we needed to get all the old high school friends together more often, perhaps over the holidays.
Had to deal with a trojan on my computer yesterday, that was a genuine pain in the ass. Thankfully I was able to deal with it after a little information finding. This is why people think I'm good with computers, even though I just go and find the solutions on the internet. Google is your friend.
Day by day I keep trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, well aware I'm in the last part of my lengthy hiring process. I'm keeping myself occupied thankfully, but the lack of forward progress is still agitating me every day. That interesting thing I thought might happen this week didn't, and probably never will, I would have been pretty surprised if it did though. Not any sort of loss on my part so no big deal.
"Those who do not feel pain seldom think that it is felt." Dr. Samuel Johnson
Not happy with the outcome of the election. Disappointed in a country that can't get their facts straight and make our greatest national triumph look like fucking American Idol.
Still waiting on an academy date, just like everyone else. At this point I'm just hoping for something early next year. A friend of mine who is an airline pilot is going to be furloughed in January, so today he was asking me about applying to the FAA to be a controller. Pretty sure I sent him in the right direction after we both couldn't find the proper online application. Things have really changed since I applied so long ago.
I met up with my cousin Alyssa and her husband Jon at Panera Bread today. Its been a good 10 or so months since I last saw her, probably haven't seen Jon for even longer, probably since their wedding. We had a good 2 1/2 hour conversation catching up on lives. We agreed that we needed to get all the old high school friends together more often, perhaps over the holidays.
Had to deal with a trojan on my computer yesterday, that was a genuine pain in the ass. Thankfully I was able to deal with it after a little information finding. This is why people think I'm good with computers, even though I just go and find the solutions on the internet. Google is your friend.
Day by day I keep trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, well aware I'm in the last part of my lengthy hiring process. I'm keeping myself occupied thankfully, but the lack of forward progress is still agitating me every day. That interesting thing I thought might happen this week didn't, and probably never will, I would have been pretty surprised if it did though. Not any sort of loss on my part so no big deal.
"Those who do not feel pain seldom think that it is felt." Dr. Samuel Johnson
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Closer
You've gotta be extra careful
with the things nearest to you.
You know the closer you get to something
the tougher it is to see it.
Explain to me this happiness
that you just got to experience.
Or maybe you're so blessed
that you can't even remember?
That you stand here now.
That you live and breathe.
They're all little miracles
just by themselves.
You've gotta be extra careful
with the things nearest to you.
You know the closer you get to something
the tougher it is to see it.
You know the closer you get to something
the tougher it is to see it.
And I'll never take it for granted
Its fine to say "Never give up"
and "Keep chasing your dreams"
But the more time you spend talking big
the less you get done.
I'll press that handful of courage against my heart
and with its help, survive another day.
And I'll never take it for granted.
Lets go.
Lyrics from the latest opening song to the show Naruto called "Closer". I stopped watching the show a long time ago, but I saw a lot of people commending the latest episode's quality so I checked it out, not disappointed at all, very well done. The opening song though, it really caught my attention, especially the parts in English. I can't say for sure how it fits into my life at the moment but it just feels like its there somewhere.
As far as whats going on, hmm. Went out shopping with the folks this weekend. Mostly I just wanted to visit the bookstores but I couldn't find anything I wanted. I ended up coming back home and ordering something online. Other than that...hmm, something interesting may happen this week, although its too soon to tell. Hopefully I won't be disappointed, but we know my record there.
I'll give the FAA a ring tomorrow probably, see whats going down on my academy date.
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