Finally, something good. Evidently pestering the FAA finally paid off. Today I was e-mailed my TOL paperwork (government working on a weekend, wut). My tentative facility is Spokane ATCT. Not quite what I had been day dreaming about, in fact, on the opposite side of the state from where I was day dreaming. However, I did say that I'd take any facility in Washington as long as it wasn't Seattle Center. And this is a tower, not SeaTac Tracon, so I'm still getting what I wanted. The option to transfer elsewhere at a later date will remain, so I'm not terribly horrified at Spokane. Its just slightly disconcerting as I knew a bit about Seattle and had been looking into it more, thoroughly ignoring everywhere else in Washington, so I know basically nothing about Spokane. I fixed that a bit today, although mostly what I know now is where the hell Spokane International is and what kind of weather they have there. At least it won't be raining every day.
Immediately started looking at rental property because I've been waiting 9 months for a chance to find my own place again. My rough searches have showed that the west side of the city where the airport is doesn't offer a whole lot aside from apartments. I've got plenty of time to find somewhere, but I'm hoping for a small townhouse, I've lost interest in living in complexes. I don't like having other people's immediate lives interfere with mine, or at least make themselves heard clearly at 3am.
Along with the TOL came a mountain of paperwork, most of which I'm not real sure about. Lots of stuff pertaining to military service that I can just set aside. Time frame gives me 5 days from Monday to get myself drug tested and have a medical scheduled. Immediately after that is basically a medical and a psych eval within 10 days. Add to that all the paperwork needs to be back in 10 days. Going to be a busy week, for once. Slightly concerned that I don't see an SF-86 form in here, which is the difficult to fill out background check form. I also don't see it required in the background check materials, which is odd because I've heard nothing about them not using it anymore. (Upon further investigation it appears this has moved to an online process, which makes it now more concerning considering how "well" the ASAP process worked for me)
All in all, good day I guess. I'll be much happier once I'm on my way, as I know I've still got some waiting even after I have all this stuff filled out and sent back. At least the process is back in my hands again, which is thoroughly relieving.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
The Sad Little Circle
2 weeks have passed since I sent my transcripts to the FAA, again. I've lost count how long its been since I was interviewed, probably 2 months now. Shot an e-mail off to the only contact I know of at the FAA that knows anything about my TOL on Monday. No reply yet. No reply expected. I said I would start calling on Wednesday. The truth is I really don't want to call. I hate this stupid fucking game of having to run to them bitching about them not pushing my stuff through at every step. I can't begin to explain how it makes me sick having to just think about starting the circle of answering machines and nobody replying until its too late. Unfortunately I don't see any other option, so one more swallow of the pride and off we go.
I've noticed that at night, usually sometime after 8, once its good and dark out, my aggitation just starts rising. I don't know what the real cause is, I've never felt like this on such a regular basis before. Most of the day I at least feel neutral, but later on at night, the longer I sit here at my computer, the more I can feel it rise in the back of my head. It drives me away to the TV or just downstairs to walk it off and try to cool off. However, the few people that do still talk to me are only available through the computer, so my own social desperation drives me back there. On nights when no one is around to talk it gets real bad. I'm not usually an aggitated person, I like to think I'm a guy who knows how to relax and take things easy enough. The last time I remember feeling like this was back in freshman year of college, which I recall was the worst year in my life. I know things aren't as bad as back then, but they aren't very good, at least in my mind. I've been trying to wrap myself around this for weeks now and I just can't see a solution outside getting out of Indiana for good. The longer I stay here and feel this way, the more I feel like I never want to come back.
Lastly, tried being there for the ex as a friend tonight. I've been trying really hard to be a friend, but I feel pretty lousy at it. Seemed like she needed one tonight though, despite the fact that I feel her stubborness wouldn't let me be of any help anyway. Long story short, I eventually said the wrong thing and drove her off for the night. Maybe the smart thing would have been to completely remove her from my life when she dumped me, but I'm not very smart. So I try to do my best and not come off as a jackass, but I get the feeling she only talks to me out of pity.
Washington still looks so far away I can't even see it anymore.
I've noticed that at night, usually sometime after 8, once its good and dark out, my aggitation just starts rising. I don't know what the real cause is, I've never felt like this on such a regular basis before. Most of the day I at least feel neutral, but later on at night, the longer I sit here at my computer, the more I can feel it rise in the back of my head. It drives me away to the TV or just downstairs to walk it off and try to cool off. However, the few people that do still talk to me are only available through the computer, so my own social desperation drives me back there. On nights when no one is around to talk it gets real bad. I'm not usually an aggitated person, I like to think I'm a guy who knows how to relax and take things easy enough. The last time I remember feeling like this was back in freshman year of college, which I recall was the worst year in my life. I know things aren't as bad as back then, but they aren't very good, at least in my mind. I've been trying to wrap myself around this for weeks now and I just can't see a solution outside getting out of Indiana for good. The longer I stay here and feel this way, the more I feel like I never want to come back.
Lastly, tried being there for the ex as a friend tonight. I've been trying really hard to be a friend, but I feel pretty lousy at it. Seemed like she needed one tonight though, despite the fact that I feel her stubborness wouldn't let me be of any help anyway. Long story short, I eventually said the wrong thing and drove her off for the night. Maybe the smart thing would have been to completely remove her from my life when she dumped me, but I'm not very smart. So I try to do my best and not come off as a jackass, but I get the feeling she only talks to me out of pity.
Washington still looks so far away I can't even see it anymore.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Moving On is Hardest
Sucks when everything is said and done before you even knew what was happening. And then when things are really said and done between the both of you, you still wish things were different. But I can't change the way she feels for me or the distance between us or two futures completely apart from each other. You'd think I'd at least be able to change the way I feel for her but even that seems impossible. Makes me wish maybe I'd never gone and walked that dog with her, but I would have missed out on an amazing relationship.
Now we play it like just friends. It tears me up inside, just talking to her. Not talking to her might tear me up more, but I could really use any sort of friend right now. Something has to be said for my inability to give up 100% too. I'm as pathetic as ever. I read her blog still, and she puts up these pictures of herself that just make me melt. I feel like whatever progress is made to getting over her is swept away in that smile and those eyes. More than once over the past weeks I've come damn close to the breaking point. I can't remember the last time I've been there.
The wait for the ToL contiues. My official transcripts arrived Monday so I faxed them to the FAA right away. No confirmation or reply from them of course. Waited all week on the slim hope they might send a ToL my way right away but to no avail. Back into the daily disappointment of checking mail. I've really reached my limit for living like this, but knowing that months of this same shit lies ahead for me I just swallow whats left of my pride and sit back down and wait. This isn't the worst off I've ever been, by far, but with all the changes I went through in college, with my love of new things, new places, new challenges, being trapped here is just torturous. I don't even have the money to take myself on a vacation to escape it. Whether or not I trully am helpless is hard to tell, as the road I was on has become faint. The whole of my life seems to rest on waiting for a letter day by day. I want to be optimistic, I want to be happy, but I can't make those things appear out of thin air. I'm not that good at life.
Fuck movie quotes for the titles, I'm sick of looking them up. I'm creative enough to make my own titles anyway.
Now we play it like just friends. It tears me up inside, just talking to her. Not talking to her might tear me up more, but I could really use any sort of friend right now. Something has to be said for my inability to give up 100% too. I'm as pathetic as ever. I read her blog still, and she puts up these pictures of herself that just make me melt. I feel like whatever progress is made to getting over her is swept away in that smile and those eyes. More than once over the past weeks I've come damn close to the breaking point. I can't remember the last time I've been there.
The wait for the ToL contiues. My official transcripts arrived Monday so I faxed them to the FAA right away. No confirmation or reply from them of course. Waited all week on the slim hope they might send a ToL my way right away but to no avail. Back into the daily disappointment of checking mail. I've really reached my limit for living like this, but knowing that months of this same shit lies ahead for me I just swallow whats left of my pride and sit back down and wait. This isn't the worst off I've ever been, by far, but with all the changes I went through in college, with my love of new things, new places, new challenges, being trapped here is just torturous. I don't even have the money to take myself on a vacation to escape it. Whether or not I trully am helpless is hard to tell, as the road I was on has become faint. The whole of my life seems to rest on waiting for a letter day by day. I want to be optimistic, I want to be happy, but I can't make those things appear out of thin air. I'm not that good at life.
Fuck movie quotes for the titles, I'm sick of looking them up. I'm creative enough to make my own titles anyway.
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