Letting it Out

How fair is it that people who desperately want to fall in love and feel the comfort of another are the ones who are left out alone in the cold to suffer, while those who treat it like its nothing, and don't realise how important it can be to someone, find it so easily?

Maybe I just wish more people could feel what I've felt. A loneliness that I've always despised that has spanned years. It's the one thing in life I can't fight my way through, I can't buckle up and tackle it like a problem. I spent my whole life trying to fight this, to the point I didn't want to fight it anymore.

This is stupid, everything about it. But I can't control that being alone hurts, and whats the point of trying anymore? I always thought if I was going to be with someone for a long time they'd just appear in my life. Maybe that's what I thought happened this year, boy was I wrong. Instead I got someone who followed along even though they didn't seem to want to be there at all. Don't steal my heart if you didn't want it. That's beyond unfair, its cruel.

It was better when I didn't know it felt so great to be happy. When the memory only seems to hurt, I guess its natural to wish you could forget.

Tonight I'm just angry. I've been angry for a long time, but tonight I'm letting it out. I'm angry at her. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at this whole goddamn world. Why the fuck can't things ever go the way I want them to? I'm already living a life I didn't really want, but even then I can't get on with it. I don't believe in destiny, but sometimes it feels like I'm fated to never get what I want. I settled for second best in my path in life, maybe I'll have to settle for nothing at all in love.

I'm well aware of how idiotic I am to be talking about a relationship that ended 3 months ago. Trust me when I say I want to get over this as much as possible, its unfair to both of us, but unfortunately I'm the type that lets his emotions get the better of him, especially in these times. I'm sure she's found someone else by now, it wouldn't be too hard for her, any guy would be lucky to have a girl like her. I wish I could do the same, I feel like that would truly help my emotions, but the thought of dating someone here knowing full well it wouldn't last for very long...I don't know. I always thought what I wanted was a long term relationship, something that could develop into a lifetime commitment, or at least let me get my fill of relationships. Anymore though...I don't know what I want now. Source of my anger? Possibly, I don't like not knowing what I'm doing, my insecurities take root that way, more than they usually do. I feel like my life for months now has been governed by my insecurities.

A year ago I had so much confidence, I felt like I'd discovered a whole new me. I did change quite a bit too, the entire adventure in Japan, buckling down and becoming a studious student my last semester, while balancing a job at the same time. And to think back then I didn't even give much thought at all to relationships or girls in general. But I'll be 24 this year. All my friends are pretty much married or soon to be, not that I really want to be married. But its a wake up call, has been for a while now. Took me 23 years before my first real relationship, I feel like I'm playing a game of catchup and I'm about 200 miles in last place. Combined with the embarrassment of my career or lack thereof, confidence is none existent.

So what the hell does any of this have to do with anything? I don't know. I'm fucked up, that's probably the summation of it all. I'm less messed up then a lot of people out there, but when it comes to relationships I'm the world's biggest screw up. I can blame the government for being slow and shitty about hiring me, but the way I feel now aside from the career shit, that's all me. If I knew how to magically fix it I would. There's no easy fix for this. My best hope is that once I start working I can let my mind focus on more important matters. But until then I'm trapped in place, and it hurts like hell.

Hopefully that's vented most of what has been eating me for the last couple months. There's more, but I'm tired and I know this is stupid to begin with.