Existence

"The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person"

-Putnam


It was an odd feeling that came over me today. It wasn't until later at night that I was able to put a descriptor to it. Apparently I'd begun to realize that my own existence seems, at least to myself, to be precariously dim. I think its the side effect of the last month or so of attempts to rekindle old friendships and to start new ones. Attempts that have fallen far short of any real success. Sure I was able to meet up with old friends and talk with them for a bit, but in the end that was that. My days are still spent to myself, my weekends still a sluggish bore.

There's a definite lack of want in regards to finding new friends. I've more or less asked two different girls now if they'd like to hang out. These were two girls I'd met through Facebook, sadly enough that's my apparent hunting ground as it were. Both agreed but never came through, not surprising at all. But then whats the point? I'll be gone eventually anyway, no point in making new contacts is there? That doesn't really help my loneliness though.

Yesterday I nearly was about to leave Indiana in less than a week's time, but I faltered, I was weak. The sudden opportunity to get my life going again came so violently that I stepped back and took the coward's path. Next week I'm going to try to get my truck in for servicing, and I'm going to start going through my possessions, so if such a call comes again I can defiantly take back my life.

Was this year a waste? Not really. But the useful parts of said year could probably have been shortened up to 3 months or less. I honestly didn't want to spend the holidays here, its really not my thing. I'm not a family person, I don't understand the love that other people have for their families. Such emotions are completely absent, family get togethers merely stress me out and piss me off. Probably the reason I had no qualms going to school in Florida, or moving to Washington.

Hopefully I'll be able to spend time with some friends on this coming Thanksgiving break period, and perhaps more around Christmas. Maybe that will keep me and my feelings of existence in the proper mindset. It certainly couldn't hurt.