Thank goodness for friends. Even if they don't know something is wrong they can still cheer me up by just being my friends. Awesome. Now if only I could get to see more of them in person.
Couple things:
I hate when I do a crappy job of shaving, grr.
Indoor strength training makes running look much more fun. Ow.
DIET V8 Splash is the most disgusting liquid that has ever entered my mouth. Seriously? People drink this? Awful.
The fight for my medical clearance continues, I think. Tried Chicago again but got another voice mail, I'll have to look up that person's specific number so I quit bugging other phone answery people. Shot an e-mail to OKC telling them what I was doing and to let me know if there was anything else I should be concerned about.
Found out another one of my college friends is living in Seattle now. He's bemoaning the weather thus far, which I'll take as a fair warning. He also said he thought Spokane was a good place, and I'm more inclined to identify with him since we're sort of the same outdoorsy not dance clubby types. So, re-excited about Spokane.
Way too many y ending words up there...
Friday, November 14, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
FUCK
And as if to prove my point, I call Oklahoma today and find out I'm not even on the list of candidates for an academy date because they don't have my medical. The fucking medical I completed over a month ago. Called the doc who took care of me and he told me he sent it to Chicago. Called Chicago and got sent to yet another fucking answering machine. I left a message practically pleading for them to find my shit and get it taken care of. This is unbeleivable. A month of zero progress because of more lost paperwork I didn't even know about. Getting hit by a train would have been more fun than this past year.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Letting it Out
How fair is it that people who desperately want to fall in love and feel the comfort of another are the ones who are left out alone in the cold to suffer, while those who treat it like its nothing, and don't realise how important it can be to someone, find it so easily?
Maybe I just wish more people could feel what I've felt. A loneliness that I've always despised that has spanned years. It's the one thing in life I can't fight my way through, I can't buckle up and tackle it like a problem. I spent my whole life trying to fight this, to the point I didn't want to fight it anymore.
This is stupid, everything about it. But I can't control that being alone hurts, and whats the point of trying anymore? I always thought if I was going to be with someone for a long time they'd just appear in my life. Maybe that's what I thought happened this year, boy was I wrong. Instead I got someone who followed along even though they didn't seem to want to be there at all. Don't steal my heart if you didn't want it. That's beyond unfair, its cruel.
It was better when I didn't know it felt so great to be happy. When the memory only seems to hurt, I guess its natural to wish you could forget.
Tonight I'm just angry. I've been angry for a long time, but tonight I'm letting it out. I'm angry at her. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at this whole goddamn world. Why the fuck can't things ever go the way I want them to? I'm already living a life I didn't really want, but even then I can't get on with it. I don't believe in destiny, but sometimes it feels like I'm fated to never get what I want. I settled for second best in my path in life, maybe I'll have to settle for nothing at all in love.
I'm well aware of how idiotic I am to be talking about a relationship that ended 3 months ago. Trust me when I say I want to get over this as much as possible, its unfair to both of us, but unfortunately I'm the type that lets his emotions get the better of him, especially in these times. I'm sure she's found someone else by now, it wouldn't be too hard for her, any guy would be lucky to have a girl like her. I wish I could do the same, I feel like that would truly help my emotions, but the thought of dating someone here knowing full well it wouldn't last for very long...I don't know. I always thought what I wanted was a long term relationship, something that could develop into a lifetime commitment, or at least let me get my fill of relationships. Anymore though...I don't know what I want now. Source of my anger? Possibly, I don't like not knowing what I'm doing, my insecurities take root that way, more than they usually do. I feel like my life for months now has been governed by my insecurities.
A year ago I had so much confidence, I felt like I'd discovered a whole new me. I did change quite a bit too, the entire adventure in Japan, buckling down and becoming a studious student my last semester, while balancing a job at the same time. And to think back then I didn't even give much thought at all to relationships or girls in general. But I'll be 24 this year. All my friends are pretty much married or soon to be, not that I really want to be married. But its a wake up call, has been for a while now. Took me 23 years before my first real relationship, I feel like I'm playing a game of catchup and I'm about 200 miles in last place. Combined with the embarrassment of my career or lack thereof, confidence is none existent.
So what the hell does any of this have to do with anything? I don't know. I'm fucked up, that's probably the summation of it all. I'm less messed up then a lot of people out there, but when it comes to relationships I'm the world's biggest screw up. I can blame the government for being slow and shitty about hiring me, but the way I feel now aside from the career shit, that's all me. If I knew how to magically fix it I would. There's no easy fix for this. My best hope is that once I start working I can let my mind focus on more important matters. But until then I'm trapped in place, and it hurts like hell.
Hopefully that's vented most of what has been eating me for the last couple months. There's more, but I'm tired and I know this is stupid to begin with.
Maybe I just wish more people could feel what I've felt. A loneliness that I've always despised that has spanned years. It's the one thing in life I can't fight my way through, I can't buckle up and tackle it like a problem. I spent my whole life trying to fight this, to the point I didn't want to fight it anymore.
This is stupid, everything about it. But I can't control that being alone hurts, and whats the point of trying anymore? I always thought if I was going to be with someone for a long time they'd just appear in my life. Maybe that's what I thought happened this year, boy was I wrong. Instead I got someone who followed along even though they didn't seem to want to be there at all. Don't steal my heart if you didn't want it. That's beyond unfair, its cruel.
It was better when I didn't know it felt so great to be happy. When the memory only seems to hurt, I guess its natural to wish you could forget.
Tonight I'm just angry. I've been angry for a long time, but tonight I'm letting it out. I'm angry at her. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at this whole goddamn world. Why the fuck can't things ever go the way I want them to? I'm already living a life I didn't really want, but even then I can't get on with it. I don't believe in destiny, but sometimes it feels like I'm fated to never get what I want. I settled for second best in my path in life, maybe I'll have to settle for nothing at all in love.
I'm well aware of how idiotic I am to be talking about a relationship that ended 3 months ago. Trust me when I say I want to get over this as much as possible, its unfair to both of us, but unfortunately I'm the type that lets his emotions get the better of him, especially in these times. I'm sure she's found someone else by now, it wouldn't be too hard for her, any guy would be lucky to have a girl like her. I wish I could do the same, I feel like that would truly help my emotions, but the thought of dating someone here knowing full well it wouldn't last for very long...I don't know. I always thought what I wanted was a long term relationship, something that could develop into a lifetime commitment, or at least let me get my fill of relationships. Anymore though...I don't know what I want now. Source of my anger? Possibly, I don't like not knowing what I'm doing, my insecurities take root that way, more than they usually do. I feel like my life for months now has been governed by my insecurities.
A year ago I had so much confidence, I felt like I'd discovered a whole new me. I did change quite a bit too, the entire adventure in Japan, buckling down and becoming a studious student my last semester, while balancing a job at the same time. And to think back then I didn't even give much thought at all to relationships or girls in general. But I'll be 24 this year. All my friends are pretty much married or soon to be, not that I really want to be married. But its a wake up call, has been for a while now. Took me 23 years before my first real relationship, I feel like I'm playing a game of catchup and I'm about 200 miles in last place. Combined with the embarrassment of my career or lack thereof, confidence is none existent.
So what the hell does any of this have to do with anything? I don't know. I'm fucked up, that's probably the summation of it all. I'm less messed up then a lot of people out there, but when it comes to relationships I'm the world's biggest screw up. I can blame the government for being slow and shitty about hiring me, but the way I feel now aside from the career shit, that's all me. If I knew how to magically fix it I would. There's no easy fix for this. My best hope is that once I start working I can let my mind focus on more important matters. But until then I'm trapped in place, and it hurts like hell.
Hopefully that's vented most of what has been eating me for the last couple months. There's more, but I'm tired and I know this is stupid to begin with.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Winter Begins
This weather is killing my running routine. Never mind that its so damn cold out, but now with sleet and rain I haven't run in the last two days. Combined with typical cold weather over eating I'm sure to lose all my hard work at this rate. I'll have to find some solution till I can get access to an indoor gym.
Not happy with the outcome of the election. Disappointed in a country that can't get their facts straight and make our greatest national triumph look like fucking American Idol.
Still waiting on an academy date, just like everyone else. At this point I'm just hoping for something early next year. A friend of mine who is an airline pilot is going to be furloughed in January, so today he was asking me about applying to the FAA to be a controller. Pretty sure I sent him in the right direction after we both couldn't find the proper online application. Things have really changed since I applied so long ago.
I met up with my cousin Alyssa and her husband Jon at Panera Bread today. Its been a good 10 or so months since I last saw her, probably haven't seen Jon for even longer, probably since their wedding. We had a good 2 1/2 hour conversation catching up on lives. We agreed that we needed to get all the old high school friends together more often, perhaps over the holidays.
Had to deal with a trojan on my computer yesterday, that was a genuine pain in the ass. Thankfully I was able to deal with it after a little information finding. This is why people think I'm good with computers, even though I just go and find the solutions on the internet. Google is your friend.
Day by day I keep trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, well aware I'm in the last part of my lengthy hiring process. I'm keeping myself occupied thankfully, but the lack of forward progress is still agitating me every day. That interesting thing I thought might happen this week didn't, and probably never will, I would have been pretty surprised if it did though. Not any sort of loss on my part so no big deal.
"Those who do not feel pain seldom think that it is felt." Dr. Samuel Johnson
Not happy with the outcome of the election. Disappointed in a country that can't get their facts straight and make our greatest national triumph look like fucking American Idol.
Still waiting on an academy date, just like everyone else. At this point I'm just hoping for something early next year. A friend of mine who is an airline pilot is going to be furloughed in January, so today he was asking me about applying to the FAA to be a controller. Pretty sure I sent him in the right direction after we both couldn't find the proper online application. Things have really changed since I applied so long ago.
I met up with my cousin Alyssa and her husband Jon at Panera Bread today. Its been a good 10 or so months since I last saw her, probably haven't seen Jon for even longer, probably since their wedding. We had a good 2 1/2 hour conversation catching up on lives. We agreed that we needed to get all the old high school friends together more often, perhaps over the holidays.
Had to deal with a trojan on my computer yesterday, that was a genuine pain in the ass. Thankfully I was able to deal with it after a little information finding. This is why people think I'm good with computers, even though I just go and find the solutions on the internet. Google is your friend.
Day by day I keep trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, well aware I'm in the last part of my lengthy hiring process. I'm keeping myself occupied thankfully, but the lack of forward progress is still agitating me every day. That interesting thing I thought might happen this week didn't, and probably never will, I would have been pretty surprised if it did though. Not any sort of loss on my part so no big deal.
"Those who do not feel pain seldom think that it is felt." Dr. Samuel Johnson
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Closer
You've gotta be extra careful
with the things nearest to you.
You know the closer you get to something
the tougher it is to see it.
Explain to me this happiness
that you just got to experience.
Or maybe you're so blessed
that you can't even remember?
That you stand here now.
That you live and breathe.
They're all little miracles
just by themselves.
You've gotta be extra careful
with the things nearest to you.
You know the closer you get to something
the tougher it is to see it.
You know the closer you get to something
the tougher it is to see it.
And I'll never take it for granted
Its fine to say "Never give up"
and "Keep chasing your dreams"
But the more time you spend talking big
the less you get done.
I'll press that handful of courage against my heart
and with its help, survive another day.
And I'll never take it for granted.
Lets go.
Lyrics from the latest opening song to the show Naruto called "Closer". I stopped watching the show a long time ago, but I saw a lot of people commending the latest episode's quality so I checked it out, not disappointed at all, very well done. The opening song though, it really caught my attention, especially the parts in English. I can't say for sure how it fits into my life at the moment but it just feels like its there somewhere.
As far as whats going on, hmm. Went out shopping with the folks this weekend. Mostly I just wanted to visit the bookstores but I couldn't find anything I wanted. I ended up coming back home and ordering something online. Other than that...hmm, something interesting may happen this week, although its too soon to tell. Hopefully I won't be disappointed, but we know my record there.
I'll give the FAA a ring tomorrow probably, see whats going down on my academy date.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Screw Up
That's me. Screw up. The guy who goes his whole life messing things up when all he ever wanted was to make them right. Unable to ever say the right thing. Unable to ever shut his trap when he should. The problem is how to ever make it right after you hit rock bottom. When words don't seem to matter anymore.
I'm not going to leave this fucked up. But I don't know how to fix it. That break down might come tonight, its been coming for a while.
I'm so tired of saying I'm sorry. It feels so meaningless now.
Fuck.
I'm not going to leave this fucked up. But I don't know how to fix it. That break down might come tonight, its been coming for a while.
I'm so tired of saying I'm sorry. It feels so meaningless now.
Fuck.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Snow
Its snowing outside right now. It shouldn't stick (better fucking not).
Think I've got whatever sickness I had beat. Felt pretty decent this morning and haven't been having much trouble eating. Gained back the weight I lost as a result of being sick already.
Since I was feeling somewhat normal today, and I've been anxious to get out and run since I haven't for a whole week now, I went back to my routine today. I'm not sure if I'll be able to run much more this year though, as its obviously getting rather cold out (hence the snow) and I don't really have the appropriate clothes for cold weather running. Any exercise-like pants are too large on me now, and I don't really want to spend money buying spandex to wear under my running shorts. Combined with the fact that my running shoes are beyond dead now, the right one doesn't seem to be giving much support any more. Thankfully I have strong ankles so it hasn't been a real problem yet. Really can't afford new shoes right now. I'll take this week to decide what to do. I may just scrounge up some sweats or buy a cheap pair at Walmart, guess I need to go there anyway.
Looks like letters from the OPM are starting to arrive. Dad's came today, so I assume the others on my background check contact list should be showing up shortly. Hopefully everyone will fill them out properly and shoot them off pronto.
Other than that, been pretty bored. Just about exhausted all the things I usually keep myself entertained with. Can't believe I've gotten through 10 months of this without going nuts. May still have a few months to go too, don't expect a class date till at least January.
Speaking of that. Talking with a friend that's out in Wichita now got me a little worried about the future. See, he moved out there from the east coast and has been out there pretty much since I graduated with him. Problem is, when you transplant yourself in a completely new community like that, it can be very difficult to find friends. The reality is things aren't like in school when you have classes and campus to throw people together. The social network of school is incredibly intertwined, while the social network of the real world is far from it. For introverts this can be especially stressful. Even someone who comes out of their shell and does their best to meet friends when they enter a new community may meet with less than stellar results. After a few months this can become just too much for them. These are the realities my friend presented me with. Unfortunately I couldn't give him advice because as I saw his situation described I became increasingly worrisome about my own. This is on top of some general stress I've been feeling lately about my choice of going to Washington. A year ago it seemed like a great idea, now suddenly I'm starting to wonder if I haven't set myself up for a very lonely period of life. However, as much as I'd hate to feel like I was admitting defeat, I at least can retain the opportunity to transfer elsewhere, even to Indiana, in a couple years. Hopefully it won't come to that and I'll be able to surprise myself and make good friends out in Washington. Time will tell.
What a habit of ranting I've shown lately... Guess when I have nothing better to do I let myself go nuts huh? Snow stopped already.
Think I've got whatever sickness I had beat. Felt pretty decent this morning and haven't been having much trouble eating. Gained back the weight I lost as a result of being sick already.
Since I was feeling somewhat normal today, and I've been anxious to get out and run since I haven't for a whole week now, I went back to my routine today. I'm not sure if I'll be able to run much more this year though, as its obviously getting rather cold out (hence the snow) and I don't really have the appropriate clothes for cold weather running. Any exercise-like pants are too large on me now, and I don't really want to spend money buying spandex to wear under my running shorts. Combined with the fact that my running shoes are beyond dead now, the right one doesn't seem to be giving much support any more. Thankfully I have strong ankles so it hasn't been a real problem yet. Really can't afford new shoes right now. I'll take this week to decide what to do. I may just scrounge up some sweats or buy a cheap pair at Walmart, guess I need to go there anyway.
Looks like letters from the OPM are starting to arrive. Dad's came today, so I assume the others on my background check contact list should be showing up shortly. Hopefully everyone will fill them out properly and shoot them off pronto.
Other than that, been pretty bored. Just about exhausted all the things I usually keep myself entertained with. Can't believe I've gotten through 10 months of this without going nuts. May still have a few months to go too, don't expect a class date till at least January.
Speaking of that. Talking with a friend that's out in Wichita now got me a little worried about the future. See, he moved out there from the east coast and has been out there pretty much since I graduated with him. Problem is, when you transplant yourself in a completely new community like that, it can be very difficult to find friends. The reality is things aren't like in school when you have classes and campus to throw people together. The social network of school is incredibly intertwined, while the social network of the real world is far from it. For introverts this can be especially stressful. Even someone who comes out of their shell and does their best to meet friends when they enter a new community may meet with less than stellar results. After a few months this can become just too much for them. These are the realities my friend presented me with. Unfortunately I couldn't give him advice because as I saw his situation described I became increasingly worrisome about my own. This is on top of some general stress I've been feeling lately about my choice of going to Washington. A year ago it seemed like a great idea, now suddenly I'm starting to wonder if I haven't set myself up for a very lonely period of life. However, as much as I'd hate to feel like I was admitting defeat, I at least can retain the opportunity to transfer elsewhere, even to Indiana, in a couple years. Hopefully it won't come to that and I'll be able to surprise myself and make good friends out in Washington. Time will tell.
What a habit of ranting I've shown lately... Guess when I have nothing better to do I let myself go nuts huh? Snow stopped already.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Optimism
I'm sick of shitty posts about being...well, sick.
Remembered to call Washington today, I had lost the phone number, so this afternoon I gave them a ring. Same lady that warned me about my stuff going to the wrong place ecstatically told me my paperwork arrived in record time. She wasn't sure how I sweet talked California into getting it out that fast. I'm not sure either. Evidently my fingerprints had already been checked out and came back clean (of course) so I'm conditionally accepted for hire by the FAA. So while my full background check grinds on I should be on a list somewhere in Oklahoma awaiting assignment to an academy class. Best case would be the November class, which won't happen I'm sure.
Met an old friend at the coffee shop tonight, spent a couple hours just enjoying a social break. Got to relieve some stress and talk about some stuff with someone who gives a shit. Good to have friends. I guess tomorrow night after I go to the Bethany Fish Fry with family I'm gonna meet up with some more friends. Just what I needed right now I should think. Chatting it up with high school friends always reminds me of the stark contrast between them and my college buds. For one, compared to my high school friends, the friends from college are a lot rougher around the edges, I kinda like that though. But when it comes to having someone hear you out and give you friendly advice, the old nice high school friends are good too.
Lastly, been thinking about Japan a lot lately. I really wanna head back there as soon as I can. I missed a lot of things I should have done last time I was there and I'm still regretting it. I always knew I'd go back, but I want it to happen sooner than later. Maybe next year sometime, I probably won't be able to make it in the spring for the cherry blossoms though, which would make for an amazing photographic experience. We'll see what happens. Also been running through some Japanese lessons in Rosetta Stone out of boredom. Its hard to tell if how much you're really learning with that program, its a bit of a mind trip. Although I couldn't honestly say how much Japanese I already know, I'm always surprising myself with it. Living there a month really forced a lot more knowledge in than I expected.
Well, can't wait for tomorrow night and I've been feeling a little better today. So, yay for optimism.
Remembered to call Washington today, I had lost the phone number, so this afternoon I gave them a ring. Same lady that warned me about my stuff going to the wrong place ecstatically told me my paperwork arrived in record time. She wasn't sure how I sweet talked California into getting it out that fast. I'm not sure either. Evidently my fingerprints had already been checked out and came back clean (of course) so I'm conditionally accepted for hire by the FAA. So while my full background check grinds on I should be on a list somewhere in Oklahoma awaiting assignment to an academy class. Best case would be the November class, which won't happen I'm sure.
Met an old friend at the coffee shop tonight, spent a couple hours just enjoying a social break. Got to relieve some stress and talk about some stuff with someone who gives a shit. Good to have friends. I guess tomorrow night after I go to the Bethany Fish Fry with family I'm gonna meet up with some more friends. Just what I needed right now I should think. Chatting it up with high school friends always reminds me of the stark contrast between them and my college buds. For one, compared to my high school friends, the friends from college are a lot rougher around the edges, I kinda like that though. But when it comes to having someone hear you out and give you friendly advice, the old nice high school friends are good too.
Lastly, been thinking about Japan a lot lately. I really wanna head back there as soon as I can. I missed a lot of things I should have done last time I was there and I'm still regretting it. I always knew I'd go back, but I want it to happen sooner than later. Maybe next year sometime, I probably won't be able to make it in the spring for the cherry blossoms though, which would make for an amazing photographic experience. We'll see what happens. Also been running through some Japanese lessons in Rosetta Stone out of boredom. Its hard to tell if how much you're really learning with that program, its a bit of a mind trip. Although I couldn't honestly say how much Japanese I already know, I'm always surprising myself with it. Living there a month really forced a lot more knowledge in than I expected.
Well, can't wait for tomorrow night and I've been feeling a little better today. So, yay for optimism.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Seriously?
Last night I felt pretty normal. I was able to eat a regular meal for dinner which felt great. I was sure that things would be fine from now on. The next morning I woke at 6am-ish feeling absolutely horrible. Probably the worst I'd felt in the morning yet. I tried going back to sleep, but every time I managed it I'd have dreams like you get when you have a bad flu. I finally crawled out of bed because it felt worse to stay in it. All morning I felt so awful that I couldn't even begin to think optimistically. Around noon it finally wore off and I was able to eat a bit for lunch.
I have no clue what this is. Its odd to me that sleeping would seem to make it worse but that's what its like every day. I'm scared to death that I've actually found myself in a state of depression. Its something I've always given a glare to, not really believing people couldn't just suck it up and move on. This morning though, I could really see how people could feel that way, hopefully its just because I felt so awful.
This year has been generally a bad one for my family and myself. Aside from one month in the summer I've felt like my life has been going nowhere. The adventure of Japan a year ago and the busy busy life of a graduating college student have long since faded away into deep memory. It doesn't help that my truly happy memories of this year, the month I was in a relationship, seem to depress me if I think about it since that relationship is long gone now.
There's a clock downstairs that is broken. It sits on 7:13 every day, every minute. I looked at that clock today and thought I had a lot in common with it. This is me, frozen in time, watching the world spin by. If it was a matter of working toward my goals I could go out and do that. Unfortunately right now its a matter of waiting for my class date. I never wanted to spend the holidays here, its not my thing. Plus having no money I'm not inclined to be around for Christmas anyway. Mostly I just want to move on as quickly as possible. Memories, both good and bad, seem to dominate my idle thoughts these days, making me wish I could occupy myself otherwise. I think mostly though, these past few months have reminded me of my tendencies to screw things up because of my insecurities. Frustration at myself, and the way the world works despite what I want, that's the problem here. I'm so afraid my behavior won't be forgiven, that all the positive things that were said have since been retracted. I just wanted to be a good memory.
Here's hoping things go smoother in my new life in Washington.
I have no clue what this is. Its odd to me that sleeping would seem to make it worse but that's what its like every day. I'm scared to death that I've actually found myself in a state of depression. Its something I've always given a glare to, not really believing people couldn't just suck it up and move on. This morning though, I could really see how people could feel that way, hopefully its just because I felt so awful.
This year has been generally a bad one for my family and myself. Aside from one month in the summer I've felt like my life has been going nowhere. The adventure of Japan a year ago and the busy busy life of a graduating college student have long since faded away into deep memory. It doesn't help that my truly happy memories of this year, the month I was in a relationship, seem to depress me if I think about it since that relationship is long gone now.
There's a clock downstairs that is broken. It sits on 7:13 every day, every minute. I looked at that clock today and thought I had a lot in common with it. This is me, frozen in time, watching the world spin by. If it was a matter of working toward my goals I could go out and do that. Unfortunately right now its a matter of waiting for my class date. I never wanted to spend the holidays here, its not my thing. Plus having no money I'm not inclined to be around for Christmas anyway. Mostly I just want to move on as quickly as possible. Memories, both good and bad, seem to dominate my idle thoughts these days, making me wish I could occupy myself otherwise. I think mostly though, these past few months have reminded me of my tendencies to screw things up because of my insecurities. Frustration at myself, and the way the world works despite what I want, that's the problem here. I'm so afraid my behavior won't be forgiven, that all the positive things that were said have since been retracted. I just wanted to be a good memory.
Here's hoping things go smoother in my new life in Washington.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Quickly,
Went running anyway, blame stubborness for once. Bad idea. Wasn't able to eat even half a bowl of soup for dinner, went to bed till I felt better. Now its late and as usual I'm starting to feel okay again, but I feel that the morning will bring the usual return to shittiness.
Dad came home with a flu today too. Its concerning, don't like seeing him ill, hopefully I didn't cause it.
Forgot to mention earlier the FAA managed to give me the wrong address for my background check paperwork. It went to California when it should have gone to Washington. Thankfully folks at both regional offices were helpful and it was taken care of the next day. I'll call Washington tomorrow to make sure everything showed up, or at least to let them know its coming. Maybe convince them to rush my paperwork a bit.
Gotta keep reminding myself someday the good things in life will outweight the bad. Someday.
Went running anyway, blame stubborness for once. Bad idea. Wasn't able to eat even half a bowl of soup for dinner, went to bed till I felt better. Now its late and as usual I'm starting to feel okay again, but I feel that the morning will bring the usual return to shittiness.
Dad came home with a flu today too. Its concerning, don't like seeing him ill, hopefully I didn't cause it.
Forgot to mention earlier the FAA managed to give me the wrong address for my background check paperwork. It went to California when it should have gone to Washington. Thankfully folks at both regional offices were helpful and it was taken care of the next day. I'll call Washington tomorrow to make sure everything showed up, or at least to let them know its coming. Maybe convince them to rush my paperwork a bit.
Gotta keep reminding myself someday the good things in life will outweight the bad. Someday.
Sick
Well...I don't know.
Spent the weekend sick, still am. I don't know what it is though. I can barely eat anything and feel like I have nervous butterflies in my stomach most of the time. It feels the worst when I'm just sitting around bored. I'm basically finding things to do to keep from being too bored but there's only so much I can do. I start to feel better later at night but the next morning when I wake up it comes flooding back. The worst part is that being sick frustrates me which in turn makes me feel worse.
Raked leaves Sunday to keep myself busy, but found that since I haven't been eating much anything that I barely had the energy for it. Of course more leaves fell after I raked so it looks the same now. Will probably go back out there this week and do it again.
Today I thought maybe if I forced down some lunch I'd be able to go on my run tonight, since I haven't gone for 2 days now. I wasn't even able to finish a normal sized lunch, and just thinking about it makes me feel sick. I can't imagine running is going to help things, so it will have to be put off for now, much to my dismay.
I don't know why I feel like this, I'm trying to be optimistic, I know I'll be getting an academy date eventually, but feeling like this everyday combined with the boredom is just taking its toll.
Spent the weekend sick, still am. I don't know what it is though. I can barely eat anything and feel like I have nervous butterflies in my stomach most of the time. It feels the worst when I'm just sitting around bored. I'm basically finding things to do to keep from being too bored but there's only so much I can do. I start to feel better later at night but the next morning when I wake up it comes flooding back. The worst part is that being sick frustrates me which in turn makes me feel worse.
Raked leaves Sunday to keep myself busy, but found that since I haven't been eating much anything that I barely had the energy for it. Of course more leaves fell after I raked so it looks the same now. Will probably go back out there this week and do it again.
Today I thought maybe if I forced down some lunch I'd be able to go on my run tonight, since I haven't gone for 2 days now. I wasn't even able to finish a normal sized lunch, and just thinking about it makes me feel sick. I can't imagine running is going to help things, so it will have to be put off for now, much to my dismay.
I don't know why I feel like this, I'm trying to be optimistic, I know I'll be getting an academy date eventually, but feeling like this everyday combined with the boredom is just taking its toll.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Going the Distance
Ehm, quickish update.
On Monday I was about half a mile into my run when I remembered that I'd wanted to try for 3 miles at somepoint. Made up my mind on the spot to just do it. So when I got to the Waverly Bridge I just kept going. It felt like I'd entered a new world, like I'd broken through a barrier. To be honest the extra half mile down to Lincoln Avenue felt great. I even found some more spots to try photography, I'll have to head down there next Saturday or whenever I decide to take an off day. Anyway, I got to Lincoln and turned around to head home and whoa my legs got heavy. Luckily I got some sort of runner's high for the way back, mixed with some good steadfast determination. Got all the way back home in a time of 29:30. Not a bad time for 3 miles I think. Of course then I mapped the route online again and realized I'd run 3.25 miles. That puts my actual time for 3 miles down about 2 1/2 minutes or so. Pretty good I'd say.
Of course, as is the way with me, now that I've gone that far I have to do that everytime. So today I went out and did it again. Its gonna be hard on me to keep this up every day, that extra mile counts for a lot. But I know it'll only help in the end, so I'll keep at it. Also seem to have finally broken the 190 barrier and dropped a couple lbs. to 188, can't remember the last time my weight was this low. Probably need to be 180 before I'm happy.
Past couple days I've had this maddening thought that I'm forgetting something. I have no clue what it could be, but its just sitting there in the back of my mind annoying me.
Decided to head downtown to check out some used bookstore there and walk around to waste time tomorrow. Maybe go to the coffeeshop, but only if I find a book or decide to actually write in a notebook. Hmm, should bring the camera along just in case.
So much for quickish update.
PS. I haven't run farther than 2 miles in the 6 or so years since I busted up my legs in the accident. It really meant a lot to me to do that. It was the last misplaced piece that needed to be put back the way it was.
On Monday I was about half a mile into my run when I remembered that I'd wanted to try for 3 miles at somepoint. Made up my mind on the spot to just do it. So when I got to the Waverly Bridge I just kept going. It felt like I'd entered a new world, like I'd broken through a barrier. To be honest the extra half mile down to Lincoln Avenue felt great. I even found some more spots to try photography, I'll have to head down there next Saturday or whenever I decide to take an off day. Anyway, I got to Lincoln and turned around to head home and whoa my legs got heavy. Luckily I got some sort of runner's high for the way back, mixed with some good steadfast determination. Got all the way back home in a time of 29:30. Not a bad time for 3 miles I think. Of course then I mapped the route online again and realized I'd run 3.25 miles. That puts my actual time for 3 miles down about 2 1/2 minutes or so. Pretty good I'd say.
Picture from the other day, just for the hell of it.
Of course, as is the way with me, now that I've gone that far I have to do that everytime. So today I went out and did it again. Its gonna be hard on me to keep this up every day, that extra mile counts for a lot. But I know it'll only help in the end, so I'll keep at it. Also seem to have finally broken the 190 barrier and dropped a couple lbs. to 188, can't remember the last time my weight was this low. Probably need to be 180 before I'm happy.
Past couple days I've had this maddening thought that I'm forgetting something. I have no clue what it could be, but its just sitting there in the back of my mind annoying me.
Decided to head downtown to check out some used bookstore there and walk around to waste time tomorrow. Maybe go to the coffeeshop, but only if I find a book or decide to actually write in a notebook. Hmm, should bring the camera along just in case.
So much for quickish update.
PS. I haven't run farther than 2 miles in the 6 or so years since I busted up my legs in the accident. It really meant a lot to me to do that. It was the last misplaced piece that needed to be put back the way it was.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Running into Fall
Paperwork sent off, back to leaving my life in others hands. Think I mentioned that before.
Went to the Mill Race today and did some photography. I haven't been out on a photo trip in a long while so I thought it would be a good chance with the leaves finally changing. Also gave me some exercise on one of my running off days. Photo above was one of my attempts at HDR, which is a series of shots at different bracketing that are then merged together as one, giving it a much larger contrast range then usual. That at least is how its supposed to work, I'm not very good at it yet. Not good at nature photography in general yet, took 75 shots and only liked 5 of them enough to upload to Flickr. Well its a bit of a new field for me, I'll get lots of practice with it in Washington, that's for sure.
Mentioned this was one of my off days for running. For the past couple months I've been trying to work out almost every day. I think its safe to say its averaged out to about 6 out of 7 days a week. The routine consists of a 2 mile run, generally at a pretty slow pace compared to people who run often, then 20 push ups, 50 sit ups, a leg lift to failure and finally some weights. Not sure if this routine is effective or well rounded, its sort of something I just made up about a year and a half ago, when I was getting ready for Japan. After 2 months I can't tell really the exact amount of improvement. I've lost about 5 or 6 lbs but I seem to be stuck there. Definitely a lot more muscle now, not that there was much to begin with. Right leg seems to finally have come up to par with the left, couldn't believe the atrophy was that bad even after all this time. I guess my two part goal is 1) Keep cholesterol and blood pressure under control, which is important not only for health in general but also for my career. Bi-annual physicals and whatnot. 2) Get myself into at least respectable physical appearance. By that I guess I mean get rid of the gut. Its decreased but still needs more work. With Winter coming I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up. Would be nice to get all the way in shape before I start working but who knows.
Did say I was frustrated about something last time. Ended up writing down my thoughts and it came out as whiny and idiotic. Fairly certain my frustration is also a case of mistaken thoughts. To sum it up, I want people to be honest with me. Its all I ask of anyone really. I feel like I've lost/am losing a lot of friends because nobody is telling me the truth. I'm a shitty friend, I know this, and I suck at taking criticism, but I want everyone to be honest with me and tell me how they feel about me. If I'm unwanted then I don't want to be there. If I'm wanted then I don't want to feel unwanted.
Yeah, overboard I know, that's the way I am these days. Feel like once I get moving again I won't always be thinking like this. My idle mind just gets out of control I suppose.
Lastly, some friends had rough weeks. Tried to do my best for both, but only so much you can do through AIM, and only so much you can do as a friend. I like helping people, its odd but I do. It really gets to me when I can't do a damn thing to help someone when they could use some. Hopefully I got across to both that I really do care about how their lives are going.
Went to the Mill Race today and did some photography. I haven't been out on a photo trip in a long while so I thought it would be a good chance with the leaves finally changing. Also gave me some exercise on one of my running off days. Photo above was one of my attempts at HDR, which is a series of shots at different bracketing that are then merged together as one, giving it a much larger contrast range then usual. That at least is how its supposed to work, I'm not very good at it yet. Not good at nature photography in general yet, took 75 shots and only liked 5 of them enough to upload to Flickr. Well its a bit of a new field for me, I'll get lots of practice with it in Washington, that's for sure.
Mentioned this was one of my off days for running. For the past couple months I've been trying to work out almost every day. I think its safe to say its averaged out to about 6 out of 7 days a week. The routine consists of a 2 mile run, generally at a pretty slow pace compared to people who run often, then 20 push ups, 50 sit ups, a leg lift to failure and finally some weights. Not sure if this routine is effective or well rounded, its sort of something I just made up about a year and a half ago, when I was getting ready for Japan. After 2 months I can't tell really the exact amount of improvement. I've lost about 5 or 6 lbs but I seem to be stuck there. Definitely a lot more muscle now, not that there was much to begin with. Right leg seems to finally have come up to par with the left, couldn't believe the atrophy was that bad even after all this time. I guess my two part goal is 1) Keep cholesterol and blood pressure under control, which is important not only for health in general but also for my career. Bi-annual physicals and whatnot. 2) Get myself into at least respectable physical appearance. By that I guess I mean get rid of the gut. Its decreased but still needs more work. With Winter coming I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up. Would be nice to get all the way in shape before I start working but who knows.
Did say I was frustrated about something last time. Ended up writing down my thoughts and it came out as whiny and idiotic. Fairly certain my frustration is also a case of mistaken thoughts. To sum it up, I want people to be honest with me. Its all I ask of anyone really. I feel like I've lost/am losing a lot of friends because nobody is telling me the truth. I'm a shitty friend, I know this, and I suck at taking criticism, but I want everyone to be honest with me and tell me how they feel about me. If I'm unwanted then I don't want to be there. If I'm wanted then I don't want to feel unwanted.
Yeah, overboard I know, that's the way I am these days. Feel like once I get moving again I won't always be thinking like this. My idle mind just gets out of control I suppose.
Lastly, some friends had rough weeks. Tried to do my best for both, but only so much you can do through AIM, and only so much you can do as a friend. I like helping people, its odd but I do. It really gets to me when I can't do a damn thing to help someone when they could use some. Hopefully I got across to both that I really do care about how their lives are going.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Progress
Might as well post this early tonight, don't expect much else to happen.
Officially finished my end of the pre-employment paperwork process. This morning I drove over to South Bend ATCT and took the 374 question long psychological test. It was...interesting, to say the least. Hopefully I won't get called by for a psychological interview.
After that was finished I eventually made my way over to the Goshen Sheriff's office and got myself fingerprinted. Of course I didn't have $10 on me for the fee, luckily the FBCU building was right around the corner. Walked over there, gawked at the inside of the fanciest bank I've ever been in, got me some money and headed back. Fingerprints are nifty by the way.
Since I finished and submitted the background check the other night all that stuff was finished with the fingerprint card so tomorrow morning that should go out with the UPS Overnight and hopefully make its way to LA by Friday. Now begins the waiting game again. In the past the official word was 6-8 weeks before you could expect an academy date. I'm not sure if that still holds true but if could be longer. The Academy is packed full of new hires, mostly OTS, and the classes are backed up last I heard. We shall see in the coming weeks when I'll end up there.
Continued the home search in Spokane. Found a good amount of luxury apartments in the area. Although I'm not big on apartments, these places were nice enough to consider, plus many of them have attached garages which makes them almost townhouses. The main problem I've run into is distance from work. Every suitable place I've found is between 25 and 30 minutes from Spokane ATCT. Not the most terrible commute, mostly just surprising everywhere is within that range. I'm now refining the selection by looking at nearby shopping and dining and so forth. One thing for sure though, gas is flippin expensive in Spokane, about 10 to 20 cents higher than around here.
Also, somethings been frustrating me, but that can wait for another time.
Officially finished my end of the pre-employment paperwork process. This morning I drove over to South Bend ATCT and took the 374 question long psychological test. It was...interesting, to say the least. Hopefully I won't get called by for a psychological interview.
After that was finished I eventually made my way over to the Goshen Sheriff's office and got myself fingerprinted. Of course I didn't have $10 on me for the fee, luckily the FBCU building was right around the corner. Walked over there, gawked at the inside of the fanciest bank I've ever been in, got me some money and headed back. Fingerprints are nifty by the way.
Since I finished and submitted the background check the other night all that stuff was finished with the fingerprint card so tomorrow morning that should go out with the UPS Overnight and hopefully make its way to LA by Friday. Now begins the waiting game again. In the past the official word was 6-8 weeks before you could expect an academy date. I'm not sure if that still holds true but if could be longer. The Academy is packed full of new hires, mostly OTS, and the classes are backed up last I heard. We shall see in the coming weeks when I'll end up there.
Continued the home search in Spokane. Found a good amount of luxury apartments in the area. Although I'm not big on apartments, these places were nice enough to consider, plus many of them have attached garages which makes them almost townhouses. The main problem I've run into is distance from work. Every suitable place I've found is between 25 and 30 minutes from Spokane ATCT. Not the most terrible commute, mostly just surprising everywhere is within that range. I'm now refining the selection by looking at nearby shopping and dining and so forth. One thing for sure though, gas is flippin expensive in Spokane, about 10 to 20 cents higher than around here.
Also, somethings been frustrating me, but that can wait for another time.
Friday, October 03, 2008
Testing Testing
Ehm, the process continues. I've got 90% of the paperwork done, will probably fax half of it out tomorrow. Still waiting on my last contact for the background check to get back to me, he's on the verge of getting replaced (dun dun dun). I think I ended up having to find...(counting)...8 contacts, thankfully some of them were repeated in other parts. Now I just have to hope when the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) sends them the surveys they'll all fill them out and return them ASAP.
Wednesday I drove to Laporte Municipal Airport to visit the FAA medical examiner there. I'd never heard of an examiner having an office right in the FBO (Fixed Based Operations, like the terminal at small airports) but I guess that it makes sense. He was a pretty cool guy and helped me out a lot, he knew well how much rode on physicals like these and helped me relax. I also liked that he explained what he was doing with every step, good info to know. Couple of things I didn't expect was; a near vision test (I've never tested my near vision, only far) and a cardiograph (which got me a couple shaved patches on my chest, awesome). Regardless of surprises I breezed through the medical so I'm fit for duty in that regard, for one year, yay. Not that I was really worried in the first place.
Thursday I headed over to Fort Wayne for my drug test. The lady over there wasn't terribly enthused with dealing with me, at least that's how it felt. Apparently I come with a lot of paperwork, because that was the first thing she complained about, how I required so much more paperwork than the other drug testees. Suck it up lady, you didn't see the stack of crap I have back home, with more on the way later. So I was the only person there for testing so I quickly uh, filled my cup and got out of there. Somewhere in the mail are a couple vials of my piss, off to a lab somewhere. Obviously I'm not worried in the least about the drug test.
At some point I'll be headed over to South Bend ATCT for my MMPI2 test, which is a psychological test. 300 some questions that will determine if I'm too crazy for this job or not. Not entirely sure what to expect there, although Mike pointed out that all air traffic controllers are pretty damn crazy in the first thing so it can't be that hard to pass.
Mmm, not much else than that really...still looking for a place to live on and off. Found out someone on a forum I frequent lives there so I've asked him for a little advice on the area. Just trying to find out what I can about the area. Starting to think I may be in for some culture shock when I get out there, in my own country no less. Looking forward to this adventure, but as its also the rest of my life, precautions should be taken. Nonetheless, I'm itching to get out there.
Wednesday I drove to Laporte Municipal Airport to visit the FAA medical examiner there. I'd never heard of an examiner having an office right in the FBO (Fixed Based Operations, like the terminal at small airports) but I guess that it makes sense. He was a pretty cool guy and helped me out a lot, he knew well how much rode on physicals like these and helped me relax. I also liked that he explained what he was doing with every step, good info to know. Couple of things I didn't expect was; a near vision test (I've never tested my near vision, only far) and a cardiograph (which got me a couple shaved patches on my chest, awesome). Regardless of surprises I breezed through the medical so I'm fit for duty in that regard, for one year, yay. Not that I was really worried in the first place.
Thursday I headed over to Fort Wayne for my drug test. The lady over there wasn't terribly enthused with dealing with me, at least that's how it felt. Apparently I come with a lot of paperwork, because that was the first thing she complained about, how I required so much more paperwork than the other drug testees. Suck it up lady, you didn't see the stack of crap I have back home, with more on the way later. So I was the only person there for testing so I quickly uh, filled my cup and got out of there. Somewhere in the mail are a couple vials of my piss, off to a lab somewhere. Obviously I'm not worried in the least about the drug test.
At some point I'll be headed over to South Bend ATCT for my MMPI2 test, which is a psychological test. 300 some questions that will determine if I'm too crazy for this job or not. Not entirely sure what to expect there, although Mike pointed out that all air traffic controllers are pretty damn crazy in the first thing so it can't be that hard to pass.
Mmm, not much else than that really...still looking for a place to live on and off. Found out someone on a forum I frequent lives there so I've asked him for a little advice on the area. Just trying to find out what I can about the area. Starting to think I may be in for some culture shock when I get out there, in my own country no less. Looking forward to this adventure, but as its also the rest of my life, precautions should be taken. Nonetheless, I'm itching to get out there.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Good News
Finally, something good. Evidently pestering the FAA finally paid off. Today I was e-mailed my TOL paperwork (government working on a weekend, wut). My tentative facility is Spokane ATCT. Not quite what I had been day dreaming about, in fact, on the opposite side of the state from where I was day dreaming. However, I did say that I'd take any facility in Washington as long as it wasn't Seattle Center. And this is a tower, not SeaTac Tracon, so I'm still getting what I wanted. The option to transfer elsewhere at a later date will remain, so I'm not terribly horrified at Spokane. Its just slightly disconcerting as I knew a bit about Seattle and had been looking into it more, thoroughly ignoring everywhere else in Washington, so I know basically nothing about Spokane. I fixed that a bit today, although mostly what I know now is where the hell Spokane International is and what kind of weather they have there. At least it won't be raining every day.
Immediately started looking at rental property because I've been waiting 9 months for a chance to find my own place again. My rough searches have showed that the west side of the city where the airport is doesn't offer a whole lot aside from apartments. I've got plenty of time to find somewhere, but I'm hoping for a small townhouse, I've lost interest in living in complexes. I don't like having other people's immediate lives interfere with mine, or at least make themselves heard clearly at 3am.
Along with the TOL came a mountain of paperwork, most of which I'm not real sure about. Lots of stuff pertaining to military service that I can just set aside. Time frame gives me 5 days from Monday to get myself drug tested and have a medical scheduled. Immediately after that is basically a medical and a psych eval within 10 days. Add to that all the paperwork needs to be back in 10 days. Going to be a busy week, for once. Slightly concerned that I don't see an SF-86 form in here, which is the difficult to fill out background check form. I also don't see it required in the background check materials, which is odd because I've heard nothing about them not using it anymore. (Upon further investigation it appears this has moved to an online process, which makes it now more concerning considering how "well" the ASAP process worked for me)
All in all, good day I guess. I'll be much happier once I'm on my way, as I know I've still got some waiting even after I have all this stuff filled out and sent back. At least the process is back in my hands again, which is thoroughly relieving.
Immediately started looking at rental property because I've been waiting 9 months for a chance to find my own place again. My rough searches have showed that the west side of the city where the airport is doesn't offer a whole lot aside from apartments. I've got plenty of time to find somewhere, but I'm hoping for a small townhouse, I've lost interest in living in complexes. I don't like having other people's immediate lives interfere with mine, or at least make themselves heard clearly at 3am.
Along with the TOL came a mountain of paperwork, most of which I'm not real sure about. Lots of stuff pertaining to military service that I can just set aside. Time frame gives me 5 days from Monday to get myself drug tested and have a medical scheduled. Immediately after that is basically a medical and a psych eval within 10 days. Add to that all the paperwork needs to be back in 10 days. Going to be a busy week, for once. Slightly concerned that I don't see an SF-86 form in here, which is the difficult to fill out background check form. I also don't see it required in the background check materials, which is odd because I've heard nothing about them not using it anymore. (Upon further investigation it appears this has moved to an online process, which makes it now more concerning considering how "well" the ASAP process worked for me)
All in all, good day I guess. I'll be much happier once I'm on my way, as I know I've still got some waiting even after I have all this stuff filled out and sent back. At least the process is back in my hands again, which is thoroughly relieving.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
The Sad Little Circle
2 weeks have passed since I sent my transcripts to the FAA, again. I've lost count how long its been since I was interviewed, probably 2 months now. Shot an e-mail off to the only contact I know of at the FAA that knows anything about my TOL on Monday. No reply yet. No reply expected. I said I would start calling on Wednesday. The truth is I really don't want to call. I hate this stupid fucking game of having to run to them bitching about them not pushing my stuff through at every step. I can't begin to explain how it makes me sick having to just think about starting the circle of answering machines and nobody replying until its too late. Unfortunately I don't see any other option, so one more swallow of the pride and off we go.
I've noticed that at night, usually sometime after 8, once its good and dark out, my aggitation just starts rising. I don't know what the real cause is, I've never felt like this on such a regular basis before. Most of the day I at least feel neutral, but later on at night, the longer I sit here at my computer, the more I can feel it rise in the back of my head. It drives me away to the TV or just downstairs to walk it off and try to cool off. However, the few people that do still talk to me are only available through the computer, so my own social desperation drives me back there. On nights when no one is around to talk it gets real bad. I'm not usually an aggitated person, I like to think I'm a guy who knows how to relax and take things easy enough. The last time I remember feeling like this was back in freshman year of college, which I recall was the worst year in my life. I know things aren't as bad as back then, but they aren't very good, at least in my mind. I've been trying to wrap myself around this for weeks now and I just can't see a solution outside getting out of Indiana for good. The longer I stay here and feel this way, the more I feel like I never want to come back.
Lastly, tried being there for the ex as a friend tonight. I've been trying really hard to be a friend, but I feel pretty lousy at it. Seemed like she needed one tonight though, despite the fact that I feel her stubborness wouldn't let me be of any help anyway. Long story short, I eventually said the wrong thing and drove her off for the night. Maybe the smart thing would have been to completely remove her from my life when she dumped me, but I'm not very smart. So I try to do my best and not come off as a jackass, but I get the feeling she only talks to me out of pity.
Washington still looks so far away I can't even see it anymore.
I've noticed that at night, usually sometime after 8, once its good and dark out, my aggitation just starts rising. I don't know what the real cause is, I've never felt like this on such a regular basis before. Most of the day I at least feel neutral, but later on at night, the longer I sit here at my computer, the more I can feel it rise in the back of my head. It drives me away to the TV or just downstairs to walk it off and try to cool off. However, the few people that do still talk to me are only available through the computer, so my own social desperation drives me back there. On nights when no one is around to talk it gets real bad. I'm not usually an aggitated person, I like to think I'm a guy who knows how to relax and take things easy enough. The last time I remember feeling like this was back in freshman year of college, which I recall was the worst year in my life. I know things aren't as bad as back then, but they aren't very good, at least in my mind. I've been trying to wrap myself around this for weeks now and I just can't see a solution outside getting out of Indiana for good. The longer I stay here and feel this way, the more I feel like I never want to come back.
Lastly, tried being there for the ex as a friend tonight. I've been trying really hard to be a friend, but I feel pretty lousy at it. Seemed like she needed one tonight though, despite the fact that I feel her stubborness wouldn't let me be of any help anyway. Long story short, I eventually said the wrong thing and drove her off for the night. Maybe the smart thing would have been to completely remove her from my life when she dumped me, but I'm not very smart. So I try to do my best and not come off as a jackass, but I get the feeling she only talks to me out of pity.
Washington still looks so far away I can't even see it anymore.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Moving On is Hardest
Sucks when everything is said and done before you even knew what was happening. And then when things are really said and done between the both of you, you still wish things were different. But I can't change the way she feels for me or the distance between us or two futures completely apart from each other. You'd think I'd at least be able to change the way I feel for her but even that seems impossible. Makes me wish maybe I'd never gone and walked that dog with her, but I would have missed out on an amazing relationship.
Now we play it like just friends. It tears me up inside, just talking to her. Not talking to her might tear me up more, but I could really use any sort of friend right now. Something has to be said for my inability to give up 100% too. I'm as pathetic as ever. I read her blog still, and she puts up these pictures of herself that just make me melt. I feel like whatever progress is made to getting over her is swept away in that smile and those eyes. More than once over the past weeks I've come damn close to the breaking point. I can't remember the last time I've been there.
The wait for the ToL contiues. My official transcripts arrived Monday so I faxed them to the FAA right away. No confirmation or reply from them of course. Waited all week on the slim hope they might send a ToL my way right away but to no avail. Back into the daily disappointment of checking mail. I've really reached my limit for living like this, but knowing that months of this same shit lies ahead for me I just swallow whats left of my pride and sit back down and wait. This isn't the worst off I've ever been, by far, but with all the changes I went through in college, with my love of new things, new places, new challenges, being trapped here is just torturous. I don't even have the money to take myself on a vacation to escape it. Whether or not I trully am helpless is hard to tell, as the road I was on has become faint. The whole of my life seems to rest on waiting for a letter day by day. I want to be optimistic, I want to be happy, but I can't make those things appear out of thin air. I'm not that good at life.
Fuck movie quotes for the titles, I'm sick of looking them up. I'm creative enough to make my own titles anyway.
Now we play it like just friends. It tears me up inside, just talking to her. Not talking to her might tear me up more, but I could really use any sort of friend right now. Something has to be said for my inability to give up 100% too. I'm as pathetic as ever. I read her blog still, and she puts up these pictures of herself that just make me melt. I feel like whatever progress is made to getting over her is swept away in that smile and those eyes. More than once over the past weeks I've come damn close to the breaking point. I can't remember the last time I've been there.
The wait for the ToL contiues. My official transcripts arrived Monday so I faxed them to the FAA right away. No confirmation or reply from them of course. Waited all week on the slim hope they might send a ToL my way right away but to no avail. Back into the daily disappointment of checking mail. I've really reached my limit for living like this, but knowing that months of this same shit lies ahead for me I just swallow whats left of my pride and sit back down and wait. This isn't the worst off I've ever been, by far, but with all the changes I went through in college, with my love of new things, new places, new challenges, being trapped here is just torturous. I don't even have the money to take myself on a vacation to escape it. Whether or not I trully am helpless is hard to tell, as the road I was on has become faint. The whole of my life seems to rest on waiting for a letter day by day. I want to be optimistic, I want to be happy, but I can't make those things appear out of thin air. I'm not that good at life.
Fuck movie quotes for the titles, I'm sick of looking them up. I'm creative enough to make my own titles anyway.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
"Yes, and what a clumsy thief I turned out to be."
It says something about my life when I find someone or something that makes me trully happy, that I know without doubt it will soon leave me or be taken from me. When I lie awake in my bed at night, the long stream of mistakes and failures, let downs and dissapointments, runs though my head. I beg for sleep to come and take me away.
This time I told myself to just walk away. I want to run away. I want to be in Washington, on the other side of the country, anywhere but here. That's what I tell myself. Its not a matter of distance though, and in the end, that's whats gonna tear me up.
Back on my lonely road, right back where I belong.
This time I told myself to just walk away. I want to run away. I want to be in Washington, on the other side of the country, anywhere but here. That's what I tell myself. Its not a matter of distance though, and in the end, that's whats gonna tear me up.
Back on my lonely road, right back where I belong.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
"And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be?"
While I can't say I completely agree with the title quote, I do know life can be quite strange in its own little ways.
Unfortunately a what I can only surmise as a paperwork foul up on the FAA's part placed my interview date back considerably (I was accepted to a position somewhere within Washington state). Finally in mid-July the interview finally happened at South Bend Air Traffic Control Tower. It was a quick affair and I spent most of my time there enjoying a tour of the facilities. Since that day I've been waiting for my Tentative Offer Letter which will contain the information on which facility I'll be assigned to (at this point I'm not going to decline the offer, even if it is Seattle Tracon). Although once again I seem to be stuck in an unusually long waiting game, I've seen information that there is indeed a backlog, probably related to the previous paperwork foul up. So while I watch kids who graduated a full semester behind me head off to the Academy, I continue to wait. However, as things have turned out, in life's hilarious little twists, heading off to the Academy may be a bittersweet affair.
Just before my interview, an acquaintance from high school got a hold of me on Facebook. We started messaging each other back and forth and finally just switched to AIM. The next day she invited me to meet her at a local park to join her while walking her dog. We had dated briefly in high school, only for two weeks, but I couldn't say I had really gotten to know her in that time. I can't even remember actually having a conversation with her back then. But we did talk at the park, a lot. I felt like I had met a whole new person, and it was someone I could really understand.
To make a long and personal story short and private, we're in a relationship. Despite her moving 3 hours away for college I'm still doing what I can to see her. I'm a complete amateur in relationships, I feel like I'm just doing my best not to muck it all up, but then she just reminds me to be myself. Although I'm well aware of what the future holds, for now I'm just enjoying this one day at a time.
Anyway, enough of that ranting.
Later.
Unfortunately a what I can only surmise as a paperwork foul up on the FAA's part placed my interview date back considerably (I was accepted to a position somewhere within Washington state). Finally in mid-July the interview finally happened at South Bend Air Traffic Control Tower. It was a quick affair and I spent most of my time there enjoying a tour of the facilities. Since that day I've been waiting for my Tentative Offer Letter which will contain the information on which facility I'll be assigned to (at this point I'm not going to decline the offer, even if it is Seattle Tracon). Although once again I seem to be stuck in an unusually long waiting game, I've seen information that there is indeed a backlog, probably related to the previous paperwork foul up. So while I watch kids who graduated a full semester behind me head off to the Academy, I continue to wait. However, as things have turned out, in life's hilarious little twists, heading off to the Academy may be a bittersweet affair.
Just before my interview, an acquaintance from high school got a hold of me on Facebook. We started messaging each other back and forth and finally just switched to AIM. The next day she invited me to meet her at a local park to join her while walking her dog. We had dated briefly in high school, only for two weeks, but I couldn't say I had really gotten to know her in that time. I can't even remember actually having a conversation with her back then. But we did talk at the park, a lot. I felt like I had met a whole new person, and it was someone I could really understand.
To make a long and personal story short and private, we're in a relationship. Despite her moving 3 hours away for college I'm still doing what I can to see her. I'm a complete amateur in relationships, I feel like I'm just doing my best not to muck it all up, but then she just reminds me to be myself. Although I'm well aware of what the future holds, for now I'm just enjoying this one day at a time.
Anyway, enough of that ranting.
Later.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
