The Sad Little Circle

2 weeks have passed since I sent my transcripts to the FAA, again. I've lost count how long its been since I was interviewed, probably 2 months now. Shot an e-mail off to the only contact I know of at the FAA that knows anything about my TOL on Monday. No reply yet. No reply expected. I said I would start calling on Wednesday. The truth is I really don't want to call. I hate this stupid fucking game of having to run to them bitching about them not pushing my stuff through at every step. I can't begin to explain how it makes me sick having to just think about starting the circle of answering machines and nobody replying until its too late. Unfortunately I don't see any other option, so one more swallow of the pride and off we go.

I've noticed that at night, usually sometime after 8, once its good and dark out, my aggitation just starts rising. I don't know what the real cause is, I've never felt like this on such a regular basis before. Most of the day I at least feel neutral, but later on at night, the longer I sit here at my computer, the more I can feel it rise in the back of my head. It drives me away to the TV or just downstairs to walk it off and try to cool off. However, the few people that do still talk to me are only available through the computer, so my own social desperation drives me back there. On nights when no one is around to talk it gets real bad. I'm not usually an aggitated person, I like to think I'm a guy who knows how to relax and take things easy enough. The last time I remember feeling like this was back in freshman year of college, which I recall was the worst year in my life. I know things aren't as bad as back then, but they aren't very good, at least in my mind. I've been trying to wrap myself around this for weeks now and I just can't see a solution outside getting out of Indiana for good. The longer I stay here and feel this way, the more I feel like I never want to come back.

Lastly, tried being there for the ex as a friend tonight. I've been trying really hard to be a friend, but I feel pretty lousy at it. Seemed like she needed one tonight though, despite the fact that I feel her stubborness wouldn't let me be of any help anyway. Long story short, I eventually said the wrong thing and drove her off for the night. Maybe the smart thing would have been to completely remove her from my life when she dumped me, but I'm not very smart. So I try to do my best and not come off as a jackass, but I get the feeling she only talks to me out of pity.

Washington still looks so far away I can't even see it anymore.