Moving On is Hardest

Sucks when everything is said and done before you even knew what was happening. And then when things are really said and done between the both of you, you still wish things were different. But I can't change the way she feels for me or the distance between us or two futures completely apart from each other. You'd think I'd at least be able to change the way I feel for her but even that seems impossible. Makes me wish maybe I'd never gone and walked that dog with her, but I would have missed out on an amazing relationship.

Now we play it like just friends. It tears me up inside, just talking to her. Not talking to her might tear me up more, but I could really use any sort of friend right now. Something has to be said for my inability to give up 100% too. I'm as pathetic as ever. I read her blog still, and she puts up these pictures of herself that just make me melt. I feel like whatever progress is made to getting over her is swept away in that smile and those eyes. More than once over the past weeks I've come damn close to the breaking point. I can't remember the last time I've been there.

The wait for the ToL contiues. My official transcripts arrived Monday so I faxed them to the FAA right away. No confirmation or reply from them of course. Waited all week on the slim hope they might send a ToL my way right away but to no avail. Back into the daily disappointment of checking mail. I've really reached my limit for living like this, but knowing that months of this same shit lies ahead for me I just swallow whats left of my pride and sit back down and wait. This isn't the worst off I've ever been, by far, but with all the changes I went through in college, with my love of new things, new places, new challenges, being trapped here is just torturous. I don't even have the money to take myself on a vacation to escape it. Whether or not I trully am helpless is hard to tell, as the road I was on has become faint. The whole of my life seems to rest on waiting for a letter day by day. I want to be optimistic, I want to be happy, but I can't make those things appear out of thin air. I'm not that good at life.

Fuck movie quotes for the titles, I'm sick of looking them up. I'm creative enough to make my own titles anyway.